you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
