I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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