my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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