Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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