I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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