K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
