first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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