I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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