Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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