dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
