I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize