i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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