i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize