I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
