You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
