im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
