I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
