Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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