Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
