Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
