Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
