i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
