I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize