Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
