i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
