So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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