at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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