I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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