Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
