Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize