Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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