I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
