I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize