I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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