If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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