I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
