Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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