Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
