my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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