Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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