I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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