you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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