i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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