I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
