My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
