Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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