i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
