yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
that is very illegal...i love you.
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