How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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