mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
