i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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