Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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