my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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