Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
