census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
