Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
