He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
