I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize