Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
